I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
