She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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