well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
