i may or may not be watching the land before time
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
