I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
