she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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