Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
