"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How's work?
Spinning.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
