Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
