The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
