I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
