I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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