Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
