so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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