So gin and wine won't be happening again
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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