but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
