Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
