i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize