Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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