I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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