u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
