dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
