woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
