You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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