fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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