I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
