I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
