Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
