Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
