Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
