dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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