My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
