I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
