remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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