Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
