My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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