Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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