I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
