Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
