its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
