my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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