im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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