just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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