seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
