the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
