Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Apparently you make a good broom.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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