remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
