Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
