So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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