I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
