Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
