im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
