broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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