I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
