ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
