the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
