I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
