My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
