The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
